Car and train jokes

Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt
shaker yet ?
Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through
all those
little holes !
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A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty.
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|On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"The kid says, "Yeah."The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.
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She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
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These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket cart?A: The supermarket cart has a mind of its own.
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Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their

dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
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Q: What did Jesus do when he got to the Holiday Inn?A: He threw some nails down on the counter and asked, "Can you put me up for the night?"
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The Ten Commandments Of Employment

If
it rings, put it on hold.

If it clunks, call the
repairman.

If it whistles, ignore it.

If it's a friend, stop work and
chat.

If it's the boss, look busy.

If it talks, take
notes.

If it's handwritten, type it.

if it's typed, copy
it.

If it's copied, file it.
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How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
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