I'll have a Penguin; shaken, not stirred

Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the
Internet?
Because they can't stop saving their work.
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My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a checkfor $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want togo into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
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A tough case was being argued in court. The

defense attorney,
feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a
bottle of
hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be
tied.

"The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're
dead!"

"I don't think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the

other lawyer's name!"
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A man walks into a New York bank, and says he's going to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce.The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage. Two weeks later to the day, the man returns to the bank, repays the $5000 and interest of $15.41.
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A farmer sent his 15 year old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck., "See if you can get a girl in exchange for this," he said. In town, the lad met a prostitute and said, "It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to..." "Sure," she said., "I'm sentimental about birthdays.
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Q: What's the difference between a
blonde
and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of
its own.
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At our local
restaurant you can eat
dirt cheap - but who wants to eat dirt?
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A fellow finds himself in front of

the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in

heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For
example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St.
Peter
told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor?
Charities? No? St.
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Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has acork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie.
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A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown

one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big

father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her,
squashing her
into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
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