Comedian Jokes

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I never actually grapsed the whole "Trick or treat" ultimatum.Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep-is this a choice?-Jerry Seinfeld
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Surgery

I had my appendix removed. There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to the other organs in my body to shape up or they're out of there-Charlie Viracola
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HMO

My HMO is terrible. They charge me for a self-examination.It's a flat fee.-Wendy Liebman
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Gas Stations

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?-George Carlin
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Taxes

The IRS says they can't give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don't have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can't find you when they owe YOU money-Jay Leno
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IRS

The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.-Conan O'Brien
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Psychic Phenomena

Do you ever get the vuja day feeling? Not deja vu. This is vuja day: the strange feeling that none of this has ever happened before-George Carlin
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Protesting

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.-Mitch Hedberg
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Escalators

An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."-Mitch Hedberg
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Environment

The EPA is conducting a $700,000 dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."Jay Leno
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Page 1 of 212

Random Jokes

Easter jokes

How should you send a letter to the Easter

Bunny?
By hare mail!
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Dog jokes

What do you call an alcoholic dog ?
A whino
!
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Eyes Light Up

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ear!
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Dragging your feet

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
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Thinnest Books

The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton The Amish Phone Directory Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names French Hospitality Everything Women Know About Men Everything Men Know About Women Dr.
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School jokes

Teacher: What came after the stone age and the

bronze age?
Pupil: The sausage!
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Marriage jokes

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if

he can remove
a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40
years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me
the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old
man says without hesitation
"I now pronounce you man and wife".
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Weather jokes

"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Fred
looking out of the kitchen
window.
"I know," said his
mother.
"I've just stepped in a poodle!"
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Millennia Year Application Software System (MYASS)

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as - "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone.
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Dog jokes

Q: What
happened when the dog went to the flea
circus? - A: It stole the
show!
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