Drunks

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other. "So what's going on here?" he asks. The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit.
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The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the lasttest has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to thebathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bedup with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possiblyface.
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A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested,then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok.I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes lateranother whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, buttwo minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stopedhim:"What's going on out there?" it asked.
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One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.?Fuck me? shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.?What the fuck are you doing that for?? says Smartie.?That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I seehim, so I?m hiding from him? says Polo.
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The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less.
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"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool."Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent."Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"
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A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way downa one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn'tyou see the arrow, buddy?" he asked."An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see theIndians
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There was a drunk man walking down the street turninghis car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?" The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I sawit, it was on the end of these keys.
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A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says,"Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass."The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin,"You know, you're right!"
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A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut througha graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunkfails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries toclimb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turnedthe dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb.
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