Police Jokes

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|The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.16.
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Swerve to avoid a box

|Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
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Looking into their eyes

|A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
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Dealing with criminals

|A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.
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Partner takes vacation

|Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.6. He talk to himself.
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New person in prison

|A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
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Wife helps out the cop

|A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What's the problem officer?Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.Man: No sir, I was going 65.Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
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Catching the shoplifter

|A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.
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He's drunk at the bar

|One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
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Getting a new deputy

|The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job."Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?""11" he replied.The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right.
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Random Jokes

Brother and sister jokes

Knock Knock
Who's there
!
Brother !
Brother who ?
Brother-ation, I've forgotten your name
!
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Even more Bumper Stickers!

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal FriendsHow many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?I'm an imbecile and I voteMoney Isn't Everything...
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What does HMO stand for?

Q. What does HMO stand for?A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
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The Tyson one-liners

|Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!! Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
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Travel in a sailboat

|The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?""Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
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Stupid Insults 28/31

Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation. Still boots to DOS. Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring. Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi". Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.) Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2. (A WWII era Russian tank.
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Actual Medical Charts

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. The skin was moist and dry. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
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Barbie doll jokes

There is a new
Barbie doll on the
market - Steamroller Barbie ...doll squashed
flat
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Time jokes

Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is

around?
Because time will tell.
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Baby Hermaphrodite

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.." The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?" The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite.
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Police Jokes

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